Things Dachshunds Must Try To Remember….

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.

“Kitty box crunchies” are not food; although they are tasty, they are not food.

I will not eat any more socks, Kleenex or napkins, and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Dad’s driver’s license and car registration.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.

Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying “hello.”

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

I will never again mess with a skunk. I now accept that they have every right to come into my yard. However, I will encourage my cat to attack them.

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